Saturday was a bad day for me; I spent most of it being angry, angry with God and angry at life. I knew that my feelings were wrong; I knew that my emotions were harmful to me but even though I knew this I didn’t care. I wanted to wallow in my feelings, I felt that my emotions were justified and even though I could hear the Lord speaking to me concerning them I chose to ignore him and harden my heart towards Him instead. I was moody and snappy and watching my husband’s joy irritated me and observing his dancing to the Lord annoyed me and I felt that the words of the song he was listening to were hypocritical after all, how could anyone be “bouncing in the Lord every day?!?”
I knew that if I was to stop and listen to the Lord and open myself up even just a little, He could turn my sorrow into gladness. But I felt that to do this would be a lie, and that any gladness I felt would only be mirage, camouflaging the monotonous and desperate reality that was my life. I didn’t want that, I wanted God to make everything better not to placate me and say “there, there now, everything will be okay.” I was fed up with everything.
Shabbat ended, I hadn’t shared communion with my husband and I went upstairs to have it alone. Placing my scarf over my head, I began to speak to Lord simply and in a very few words telling Him that I found it hard to speak to Him at the moment and that I felt numb towards Him and angry about the state of my life. Very shortly afterwards He gave me a song to sing called Eleicha Yeshua by Karen Davies, I began to meditate on the words to this song as I didn’t know the words (the majority being in Hebrew). I played the song on my MP3 and listened and sang along instead (see link below to hear song). I must have listened and sang along to 3 or 4 songs in total, each one praising and glorifying God and during this process I felt God’s joy enter into my heart bit by bit until I was so full of His joy and happiness that my negative emotions, the accompanying thoughts and the conviction that my feelings were justified became a thing of the past.
Even though I didn’t want to feel happy, God had found a way to bring peace and joy once more regardless and I felt ready in myself to partake in communion. As I write about it now, it reminds of a prayer that a friend of ours used to say which I sometimes say also, “Lord, never let me go, always bring me back to you even if I don’t want to come back to you.” And when I think about this prayer, I know that I have chosen to bind myself to the Lord come what may and so I continue to pray as the psalmist does, in times of strength in lieu of those times when I will be too weak to I pray these words…
From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
Psalm 61:2 KJV
Please listen to this beautiful song by Karen Davis Eleicha Yeshua
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