I really need to offload that’s why I’m here, I need a place to process what I have been going through without any expectations. I’m mainly writing this for me but if it helps anyone else out there that’s great.
I have so many emotions going around me at the moment, I’m grateful and thankful because on May the 6th I finally received a diagnosis of actually having an autoimmune illness after nearly 6 years of being looked down on by doctors, people in the church and family members. To be honest I feel justified and vindicated, I thank God for this small victory.
I actually don’t know. I nearly didn’t even attend the hospital appointment because of what it might mean to others of the ‘she doesn’t have enough faith’ camp and my relationship with Abba. But as He is my Father and not some distant God I know that He cares more about my reasons for doing things and not so much the actual actions. I didn’t want to go to the hospital for all the wrong reasons, namely fear. I was afraid that it meant that I really didn’t have enough faith and I didn’t know whether that would effect my ability to receive healing.
It sounds crazy, but when you want something so much and you hear people saying things like going to hospital means that you’re not fully trusting God for your healing it can mess with your head. The thing that saved me was YHWH Himself, He showed me these two scriptures:
“Isa 10:13 For he saith, By the strength of my hand I have done [it], and by my wisdom; for I am prudent: and I have removed the bounds of the people, and have robbed their treasures, and I have put down the inhabitants like a valiant [man]:”
“Ro 3:3-4 For what if some did not believe? shall their unbelief make the faith of God without effect? God forbid: yea, let God be true, but every man a liar; as it is written, That thou mightest be justified in thy sayings, and mightest overcome when thou art judged.”
Christians place a lot of store on having enough faith to get the things you want, but I’m more inclined to think that their perspective of faith is flawed. As my dear husband says, faith isn’t about your ability to pray for something and receive it, it’s the ability to keep on trusting in God while you’re waiting for it to come.
That’s why I actually tend not to use the word faith as I think it’s not properly used, I prefer to use the words belief or trust.
Anyway, these scriptures freed me up to make a decisiion not born out of fear to go to the hospital and I’m really glad I did. Do I believe that I will receive my healing? Of course I do, I don’t doubt it but the journey towards it is hard.
Just because you believe something and trust God doesn’t mean that you are not experiencing pain, sorrow or anything else that comes with the territory. Illness is hard, but it’s something that strengthens and purifies you and your relationship with God like nothing else can.
So as I said, what’s next?
Ok, I do and I don’t know. I’m just taking one day at a time but I do have some plans up my sleeve. One big one is diet, as I’ve noticed that certain foods trigger off and make the symptoms worse e.g. stimulants such as cocoa, palm fruits such as coconut, dates and palm (oil), gluten, dairy and some other stuff that I can’t recall. I had a horrible flare-up the other day and I’m sure it was a consequence of eating something I shouldn’t have (long story). Anyway, I’ve started to keep a food diary as I’m now on the re-introduction phase of my elimination diet.
Generally, I feel a lot better in my self apart from the flare-up yesterdayand now feeling quite raw but, I know that it’s going to take all of my strength and a lot of Grace while this is worked out.
Anyway, I just wanted to process. I don’t want nor expect any comments but I just wanted this out there. If you are going through PNH or a chronic illness and want to connect please leave a comment and if you are a Believer you can also visit me at my ministry website.