Me, me, me and more of Me.

Have you ever counted the number of times that you refer to yourself in conversation? Or maybe, you’ve stopped to think about your tone or inflection of voice as you say “me, my, mine, I”?  Having studied and taught psychology for a number of years, I began to learn a lot about a person by how they spoke about themselves, clues pertaining to their confidence or lack of confidence were buried in the number of times they used the first person and how they used it.

But the problem was that I was often too be busy psychoanalysing others that I became oblivious to my own issues and problems.  If I think back to conversations I have had, I can see that my use of the first person was always used defensively.  I had become so used to defending myself by hiding behind what I felt I needed, what I wanted, what I thought of this and that and what I could and couldn’t do that it became almost instinctual for my conversation to be littered with “I don’t believe that…””I don’t think that…” “I’m not, I can’t, I won’t”  I know why I used these words, I felt that by using these words that I was distinguishing and separating myself from people who I believed had the power to hurt me in some way.  My defensiveness was rooted in fear and insecurity aka low self-esteem, but unfortunately for me this was hidden behind a sense of false ego.

Freud used the word ‘Ego’ to describe an aspect of our personality; he believed that our ego was one of three dynamic interrelated aspects of our personality, the others being the Id and Superego.  In a nutshell, the Id or “I” is wholly me-centred and seeks constant gratification and pleasure, the Superego is the polar opposite, it cares about pleasing everyone else apart from itself.  The Ego or “Self” has the job of balancing the demands of these two opposing forces.  Freud held that in order for a person to be balanced and healthy they needed to have a strong ego; otherwise one of the other components of the personality would become dominant.

Id, Ego and Superego.Confession time, I always believed that I had a well-rounded and balanced sense of self (Ego) but now I know that this was a mirage.  Why do I say this?  Because I care(d) too much about what other people think of me, that’s why I built up walls, to keep man out until I could psychoanalyse them enough to decide whether or not they were safe enough to let in.  But I found that even when people had passed my tests (whatever they were) and let them into my heart, they still had the power to crush me.  Why?  Because I cared too much about their opinion.

Take this blog for example, I have noticed that I have a growing obsession with checking my statistics every day and checking my email every morning for comments and likes.  And over time I could see that I was becoming too reliant on and gaining my self-esteem and self-value from my “Followers”, you see, I gave you too much power over me.  I began to know which topics were no-go areas or held in disapproval from the lack of response they received and this brought up a dilemma for me, should I abandon the things that I believed in, my thoughts, me really in order to be liked?  No!  I am who I am, I don’t need you to like me, love me or accept me because God does.

Although, I have enjoyed blogging and will continue to do so, I don’t do it for followers.  I blog to promote healing for myself and others, that was the only reason why God asked me to make my life and story so public.  So, I have decided that I will not join blog hops or look at ways of making myself more popular and likeable (no offence to people who blog hop) because I’m not in this for friends, but for souls, to shed God’s light in an increasingly dark world and His love in a broken one.

And now I realise what this all boils down to… Him not me.  I don’t want to be egocentric (self-centred) anymore, I don’t want to be afraid, insecure or doubtful, I want to die to my self and let God arise instead.  I want this post title to read “God, God, God and more of God”, I want Him to be the centre of me because that’s the only true, real and lasting way that I can balance the demands of a crazy Id (the flesh) and a peer-pleasing Superego (the world).

Abba Father,

I thank you for giving me eyes to see, ears to hear and a heart to perceive.  I thank you that you accept me and love me for who I am, and that I don’t need to work for your love.  YHVH, help me to walk the walk and not just talk the talk.  In Yeshua’s name I pray.

Amen.

Blessings in Messiah Yeshua.

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7 thoughts on “Me, me, me and more of Me.

  1. Hi Florence I’m not sure what Blog hopping is but I like to visit other Bloggers sometimes just to say hello, or to understand their focus by reading their messages and to share with them what’s in my heart. I think it is important to keep in touch with others in The Body of Christ even if it is on the Internet and wanting others to hear God’s Truth regardless of what is needed for us to do even Technically cant be wrong. God asks us to uplift and encourage each other and even cry with each other and to take an interest in what interests others and what they think is important.

    I’m not into man’s fleshy wisdom as you shared it caused you to become introspective, I walk in God’s wisdom. Freud was a professed Atheist and regardless of what he claimed his focus was on himself which is the heart of any Atheist, they don’t want to acknowledge God because to do so would make them dependent on Him and the Body of Christ and they believe they have all the answers so they don’t need God’s wisdom.

    Reading the Scriptures you will find that Paul and the other writers often used the word ” I ” and so did God and Jesus see below. For us it’s just an expression to relate thoughts and feelings, we can also use we and include others but at times
    ” I ” is the proper expression and to use anything else would cause confusion, also some Truths need to be accepted in the first person before they can be passed on to others.

    What you said is very True Florence we need to keep our focus on The Lord and He will direct us to what we should esteem as worthwhile and we remember He tells us to Love others as we Love ourselves, if we don’t have Love and respect for ourselves, we won’t have this for others but the Love we are to have for God, others and ourselves must be Godly not Secular, it is of the Spirit not the flesh.

    Isaiah 44:6 Thus saith the LORD the King of Israel, and His redeemer the LORD of hosts; I Am the first, and I Am the last; and beside me there is no God.

    Revelation 22:12-13 And, behold, I come quickly; and my reward is with me, to give every man according as his work shall be. I Am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last.

    Christian Love Anne.

    1. Hi Anne,

      I needed time to reflect before answering you but I have prayed over everything you said and feel able to reply honestly and objectively.

      First of all, I want to say thank you for taking time to respond to the post, I wasn’t really expecting any comments but God knows why He moved you to comment.

      Secondly, I would like to tell you and everyone else that reads this post, that the thoughts and feelings that I express are not anything to with you as people because I have met sooo many wonderful people online but the post was an expression of a revelation that God gave me and a conviction to express it openly and honestly. The post was about my healing, a confession of the things that have been driving me towards the people it has been affecting (albeit unknowingly). Now I have said it, I am relying on god to continue to lead me on the healing process so that I can learn to love my brothers and sisters in a more Godly and spirit-filled way and not according to flesh and insecurities.

      Thirdly, using the first person is not a bad thing, we need to use it to communicate, I was not saying that we should not use I, me, mine etc. in our speech, that would be ridiculous!

      Lastly, I have nothing against blog hopping or blog hoppers (my understanding of a blog hop is a link in your post which leads to another persons website where others have also linked to – you can find such links at the end of many of my previous posts). My problem is that I joined them and took part in them for the wrong reasons as outlined in my post, which was very unhealthy for me, kind of like feeding a need for love addiction. If you read some of my older posts you would notice that there is (was) a tendency for me to struggle with fighting ungodly urges and impulses that i became addicted to in order to avoid depression.

      I enjoy visiting the blogs of my online family, they edify and encourage me so much and if God gives me a word of edification and encouragement likewise I gain great joy in sharing it with you too. I see reading and commenting on blogs as similar to having a phone conversation or emailing someone you care about when you are not able to see them directly, so that is not something i will stop doing but something i have to do in the right spirit and frame of mind.

      I hope this adds clarification to the post, I’m off to visit some of my online family now.

      Your sister in Messiah

      1. Hi Florence thank you for sharing in response to my comment just a few things I’m not real sure about, I do know what a sex addiction is but what is a love addiction or is this the same thing.

        Also I notice you don’t have Awards do you not agree with them?

        Christian Love Anne.

      2. Dear Anne,

        thanks for such a quick response! I thought it was night time where you are??? No, a love addiction is not the same as a sex addiction although every addiction has the same route more or less. Love addiction, is about needing to feel loved, valued and accepted by others who you esteem and value and may or may not be the result of this need not being met during childhood. Because of this I have (had) a huge hole in my heart and mind (soul) which I filled up with the love and attention of others, when I didn’t receive it I became depressed. I was depressed from a very young age. God is working a healing miracle on me and in order to do this He needs to bring to light things that have been hidden and buried in the dark recesses of my soul, I won’t lie and say that it isn’t painful, even as I write now I am close to tears but He is my Shepherd and He tells me that I shall not want of anything if I let go and give it all over to Him.

        In relation to awards, I think awards are great, as I’ve only received one to be honest I don’t know what to do with them, so I keep them in my heart because they are private examples of God telling me, ‘you see Achama, there are people out there who see value in you.’ I am also trying to walk in humility so I have opted not to display the award unless I feel convicted to do otherwise.

      3. Hi Florence yes it’s 9.30 in Queensland Australia and I will be going to bed soon.

        Awards are given to encourage you and so you can then encourage others, most have rules but a few don’t, I would like to offer you The King of Kings Friendship Award, the Links below, this one doesn’t have rules, I just wanted to express how wonderful it was to be part of the body of Christ, we are family, we are on.

        http://freedomborn.wordpress.com/2011/12/15/the-king-of-kings-friendship-award/

        Also I would like to share with you my Childhood, you will see that I also was not Loved but, God brought healing.

        http://freedomborn.wordpress.com/2011/09/27/the-early-years-a-little-lost-girl/

        I ran Christian Weight Control Workshops for 20 years but I will tell you more about them tomorrow.

        Christian Love Anne

      4. Dear Anne,

        I read your posts (both) and was moved to tears, I will gladly accept your blessing and accept it in love and leave it in view of others because it is a testimony of both where the Lord has brought you from and where He will take me to. Last night, when I read your initial post I was hurt, I thought another person judging me and trying to shoe horn me into a box but now I know you were just trying to understand and I thank and bless God for that gift in you. A church leader very recently said “God delivers you, so you can be a tool to deliver others” I thank God because you have delivered me in even just a small way today. My prayer for you Anne is simply for you to keep on being the vessel of God and that His light and love will follow you wherever you go. In Yeshua’s name I pray.

        God’s heart in me to you

        Florence Achama

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