Have you ever counted the number of times that you refer to yourself in conversation? Or maybe, you’ve stopped to think about your tone or inflection of voice as you say “me, my, mine, I”? Having studied and taught psychology for a number of years, I began to learn a lot about a person by how they spoke about themselves, clues pertaining to their confidence or lack of confidence were buried in the number of times they used the first person and how they used it.
But the problem was that I was often too be busy psychoanalysing others that I became oblivious to my own issues and problems. If I think back to conversations I have had, I can see that my use of the first person was always used defensively. I had become so used to defending myself by hiding behind what I felt I needed, what I wanted, what I thought of this and that and what I could and couldn’t do that it became almost instinctual for my conversation to be littered with “I don’t believe that…””I don’t think that…” “I’m not, I can’t, I won’t” I know why I used these words, I felt that by using these words that I was distinguishing and separating myself from people who I believed had the power to hurt me in some way. My defensiveness was rooted in fear and insecurity aka low self-esteem, but unfortunately for me this was hidden behind a sense of false ego.
Freud used the word ‘Ego’ to describe an aspect of our personality; he believed that our ego was one of three dynamic interrelated aspects of our personality, the others being the Id and Superego. In a nutshell, the Id or “I” is wholly me-centred and seeks constant gratification and pleasure, the Superego is the polar opposite, it cares about pleasing everyone else apart from itself. The Ego or “Self” has the job of balancing the demands of these two opposing forces. Freud held that in order for a person to be balanced and healthy they needed to have a strong ego; otherwise one of the other components of the personality would become dominant.
Confession time, I always believed that I had a well-rounded and balanced sense of self (Ego) but now I know that this was a mirage. Why do I say this? Because I care(d) too much about what other people think of me, that’s why I built up walls, to keep man out until I could psychoanalyse them enough to decide whether or not they were safe enough to let in. But I found that even when people had passed my tests (whatever they were) and let them into my heart, they still had the power to crush me. Why? Because I cared too much about their opinion.
Take this blog for example, I have noticed that I have a growing obsession with checking my statistics every day and checking my email every morning for comments and likes. And over time I could see that I was becoming too reliant on and gaining my self-esteem and self-value from my “Followers”, you see, I gave you too much power over me. I began to know which topics were no-go areas or held in disapproval from the lack of response they received and this brought up a dilemma for me, should I abandon the things that I believed in, my thoughts, me really in order to be liked? No! I am who I am, I don’t need you to like me, love me or accept me because God does.
Although, I have enjoyed blogging and will continue to do so, I don’t do it for followers. I blog to promote healing for myself and others, that was the only reason why God asked me to make my life and story so public. So, I have decided that I will not join blog hops or look at ways of making myself more popular and likeable (no offence to people who blog hop) because I’m not in this for friends, but for souls, to shed God’s light in an increasingly dark world and His love in a broken one.
And now I realise what this all boils down to… Him not me. I don’t want to be egocentric (self-centred) anymore, I don’t want to be afraid, insecure or doubtful, I want to die to my self and let God arise instead. I want this post title to read “God, God, God and more of God”, I want Him to be the centre of me because that’s the only true, real and lasting way that I can balance the demands of a crazy Id (the flesh) and a peer-pleasing Superego (the world).
I thank you for giving me eyes to see, ears to hear and a heart to perceive. I thank you that you accept me and love me for who I am, and that I don’t need to work for your love. YHVH, help me to walk the walk and not just talk the talk. In Yeshua’s name I pray.
Blessings in Messiah Yeshua.