Something has been on my mind of late, I didn’t really know how to articulate it until last Sunday. Last Sunday I went along to a prayer meeting at a local healing room, it was the first time I had ever been and I didn’t know what to expect as I’m wary of anything that focuses on healing/deliverance, not because I don’t think it’s real, I’ve experienced it for myself, but because it’s so real that if it’s done incorrectly can cause even more damage. But after praying, I felt that I was being called to go, so I went along and to be honest, I was blessed.
After settling in to praying and testimonies (I gave a testimony re. how God gave me a wonderful b’day with all of you) I felt a well of emotion rise from where it had been buried and I began to talk about me, my life and my family, once I started I couldn’t stop. One of the ladies there told me that she could see that I was heartbroken and that she had a particular gifting to help broken people. She asked me if I wanted to pray, I said yes, I stood up and was anointed with oil, she said a short prayer asking God to help me give my heart, all my worries, burdens, fears and frustrations over to Him and then she told me to face away from her and speak to God, just telling Him the first things that came to my mind.
So I did. I turned around and I mentioned the names of a few people. What did these people have in common? Before I go on, I would just like to intercede with two questions:
- Are you free in Christ?
- What does freedom mean to you?
According to a web dictionary definition freedom is defined as:
The power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.
You see, I have been living under fear of these people for a very long time and as a consequence I have not been free. It’s not the type of fear where you are afraid of your physical safety, but the type of fear that slowly eats away at your inner man. I feel that it’s one of the worst forms of fear because it is cleverly integrated into familial and cultural bonds and norms.
When I turned around and spoke to God, I saw a clear image in my head. It was the image of the Israelites in Egypt, and I heard God saying: “let My people go so that they can come to praise and worship Me.” And I said in response, “Father, I need to be free so that I can come and worship You but these people are not letting me go, Lord please soften their hearts so that I can come and worship You, I can only be free if You make them let me go free.”
For me, freedom means: The power or right to love and serve God in spirit and in truth without hindrance or restraint.
For most of my life I have been running away from a simple reality, that I have been under emotional bondage, this emotional bondage has affected my ability to come to God as a child to praise and worship Him as He deserves. There are many, many things that stand in the way of our relationship because of it: resentment, hostility, anger, bitterness, fear, pain… I could go on. I have tried to escape both internally and externally but I have always been brought kicking and screaming or silently crying back to carry the same heavy yoke on my neck, not any more. Now, I choose to be free. I realise that escaping isn’t the answer, I need to be free, but my freedom only comes from one source. I can’t make myself free, I can’t even will myself free but I can pray to the One who has the power to make me free.
The funny thing is that I know that Christ has purchased my freedom for me. On Sunday, I laid this burden at His feet and knew that my worst fear was that I would pick it right up again. Today, I have been sorely tested once again and I can’t help but wonder, have I truly let it go or is this part of God cleansing me in the fire? The lady that prayed with me told me that God had a plan for me, she told me that she could see that God would use me to help other people who are broken-hearted. God knows that this is my heart’s desire but, today I feel like I’m splintering away and that my very essence is crumbling. I don’t feel like I have the strength to carry myself let alone help, support or encourage anyone else.
But… I do feel truly blessed that I can come here and share my heart with you, right now this is enough for me. I love you all.
Your sister in Christ,