I found a poem I wrote in the first year of my healing journey, I thought it would be nice to share, please let me know your thoughts.
An Invisible God
I have a problem, can You help me please
To understand this reasoning;
That even though I pray and pray,
And often scream but mostly cry
To see your face or hear your voice
When I draw near this battle line.
And even as I face my foe,
And when I’m feeling all alone,
And darkness is as darkness does
And hopelessness knocks at my door.
As I pray for just a taste,
I’m yearning for the sweet embrace
The tender love that comes from You
An Invisible God, a Faithful friend.
But still the question in my mind,
Why are you like the roaming wind,
Which I can feel but cannot see,
The strongest force the softest breeze?
For just one day I long to be,
Allowed to just be with You.
To see Your face and walk with You
To hear Your voice and talk with You.
To find out how to find my way,
To show me how to make it through.
And, when I’m bent ready to break
And screaming for Your sweet embrace
And wondering, “Is this my final breath?”
You send an angel to hold my hand.
A love like Yours won’t be contained,
So now I think I understand…
An Invisible God is everywhere.
“For He knows our frame,
He remembers that we are dust”
Psalm 103: 14
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Many people are willing to give hundreds of pounds to deliverance and healing ministries and even more are willing to spend money on therapies, drugs and herbs reputed to make us feel better. Although many people are healed in the course of trial and error, some are not, they are left feeling somehow like a failure or a blip in the healing process. If asked whether we would rather give time, energy or money to get better, I know that most people would prefer to pay for their healing, it doesn’t matter where they receive it from, just as long as they get better! But after we have forked out the money and possibly received our healing, what next? What do we do, what have we learnt from the experience? This is precisely the issue that I faced when I was searching high and low for my healing.
Should we rely on others for our healing? I don’t think we should, our healing and wellbeing is personal to us, so we need to invest more than money into it! We give our physical wellbeing over to doctors and the like and our spiritual wellbeing over to pastors and ministers rarely questioning their input, why? Because we somehow believe that they are more qualified than we are to help us and lead us to healing. Please don’t misunderstand me, I truly feel that Drs, pastors etc. are gifted in a number of ways but let me ask you a question, who truly knows how you feel? You and God. This being the case shouldn’t we instead take more responsibility for our own healing and listen more intently to God as He leads us through this journey?
We often hear about positive and negative health behaviours, if we were to place them on a scale we would most probably be guilty of exhibiting more negative than positive health behaviours! Doesn’t this defeat the purpose of wanting to get better? I know that I am often guilty of this. This reminds me of the parable of the talents, in this case our health and wellbeing is our talent. How can we expect to increase our talent when we are not investing in it? How can we expect to even grow spiritually when we are a decaying temple? It seems to me we have gotten too used to the idea of a quick fix, we would rather offer a gift to the nearest deliverance ministry who promises us healing, than seek the will of the Lord in our time of need.
Even as I myself am still trying to live out this investment, I pray that you will also find the strength to invest time and energy into you.
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Saturday was a bad day for me; I spent most of it being angry, angry with God and angry at life. I knew that my feelings were wrong; I knew that my emotions were harmful to me but even though I knew this I didn’t care. I wanted to wallow in my feelings, I felt that my emotions were justified and even though I could hear the Lord speaking to me concerning them I chose to ignore him and harden my heart towards Him instead. I was moody and snappy and watching my husband’s joy irritated me and observing his dancing to the Lord annoyed me and I felt that the words of the song he was listening to were hypocritical after all, how could anyone be “bouncing in the Lord every day?!?”
I knew that if I was to stop and listen to the Lord and open myself up even just a little, He could turn my sorrow into gladness. But I felt that to do this would be a lie, and that any gladness I felt would only be mirage, camouflaging the monotonous and desperate reality that was my life. I didn’t want that, I wanted God to make everything better not to placate me and say “there, there now, everything will be okay.” I was fed up with everything.
Shabbat ended, I hadn’t shared communion with my husband and I went upstairs to have it alone. Placing my scarf over my head, I began to speak to Lord simply and in a very few words telling Him that I found it hard to speak to Him at the moment and that I felt numb towards Him and angry about the state of my life. Very shortly afterwards He gave me a song to sing called Eleicha Yeshua by Karen Davies, I began to meditate on the words to this song as I didn’t know the words (the majority being in Hebrew). I played the song on my MP3 and listened and sang along instead (see link below to hear song). I must have listened and sang along to 3 or 4 songs in total, each one praising and glorifying God and during this process I felt God’s joy enter into my heart bit by bit until I was so full of His joy and happiness that my negative emotions, the accompanying thoughts and the conviction that my feelings were justified became a thing of the past.
Even though I didn’t want to feel happy, God had found a way to bring peace and joy once more regardless and I felt ready in myself to partake in communion. As I write about it now, it reminds of a prayer that a friend of ours used to say which I sometimes say also, “Lord, never let me go, always bring me back to you even if I don’t want to come back to you.” And when I think about this prayer, I know that I have chosen to bind myself to the Lord come what may and so I continue to pray as the psalmist does, in times of strength in lieu of those times when I will be too weak to I pray these words…
From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
Psalm 61:2 KJV
Please listen to this beautiful song by Karen Davis Eleicha Yeshua
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